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Delirium Critique - Round 1 Uncontested MatchesThis is the critique for the matches in which one opponent forfeit. If you had an opponent who submitted an entry, you'll want the other critique.
Match #1. DeadGP vs. Electricut (forfeit)
DeadGP - Snap
*Okay, I like the opening for two reasons. One, it sets a nice scene and the writing on a sentence-level is nice and it's just a really good start. Lots of action, strong word choice, uses different senses, it's good. I also like it because you have your usual formula of starting things, "Character was doing this thing." You do sort of use that in this too, and when I first glanced at your piece I was like GRAH NO GP but then it does fit in after the first paragraph. I'd like to see more variation in your openings without that iconic "character was whatever" line but this is definitely very solid on its own. Also, I think what mainly turns me off about your usual opening is the word "was" because it's just so passive. Just writing "Kira liste
Delirium Critique - Round 1 Contested MatchesThese are the critiques for the matches in which BOTH opponents submitted an entry. If your opponent did not submit, then you'll want the other critique.
Match #5: Jerro893 vs. xmayflowerx
Jerro893 - El Vidrio Se Levanto
*I'm on the fence about the title. Personally, I'm not a fan of foreign titles because I don't speak Spanish so I feel like I'm left out of the loop. Yeah, I could google it or something, and it also establishes that this is a story set in a Spanish-speaking region, so maybe it works. Your call, I guess. Just know that it can be off-putting to some readers.
*Cot? Like, a cottage? Cot means bed as far as I'm aware unless that's a definition I've never heard before. (Okay after a quick google I see it can also mean cottage, fair enough, but still know that it tripped me up.)
*Careful with the passive verbs. There's a lot of "was" floating around. Try to use more active verbs, like "Mariana rushed past the children" is good. Tr
Delirium Critique - Auditions Part 2PLEASE SEE PART ONE AND READ THE INTRODUCTORY COMMENTS AND DISCLAIMER
"The strange case of Tammy Jones" hardluck87
Leucrotta: Oh man, another story rife with humor. Yes, good. "Grenade wielding coyotes", I love it. Your setup was pretty strong, the idea of a mysterious string of murders and whatnot. The only problem is that I almost felt like the story itself got started way too late. You spent a lot of time on background information, and then the only thing that actually "happens" in the course of the story is that Tammy gets visited by a gruesome monster. It almost seemed more like this was a story concept or outline. I'm going to make the recommendation that you slow it down a bit, take your time in telling the story.
Mechanically you're doing really well here, no glaring consistent errors. There were a couple of missing words here and there, but a proofreader should take care of that (or just carefully re-reading it yourself).
Don't get me
Delirium Critique - Auditions Part 1Okay so, here it is at last, the critique for the auditions of Delirium-SST. Before we go into individual stories though, I have some things to say to the group at large. Just things I noticed in multiple stories that I feel the need to point out to everyone. Not all of you are guilty of them, so they don't apply to everyone, but just keep 'em in mind, alright?
Firstly, titles! I know it's easier to just say "audition" or "round one" and that's not out of bounds for a lot of writing or comic tournaments. But it is a little hard to get invested in a story titled "Delirium Audition". Just sayin'.
Second: Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. I realize that I set no real boundaries on gore and sexuality, but that doesn't mean you have to try to find them. Gratuitous violence and bloodshed and detailed descriptions of organs spilling does not automatically make your story horror.
Thirdly: proofreaders! Not everyone here needs one, but they would not go amiss. Or, if you can't get
Insomnium - EinBASIC DEMOGRAPHICS
Name: Einar (Ein) Yoshida
Age: 19, but he could pass for younger or older, depending on how he dresses
Gender: Male, but pretty androgynous, and doesn't really mind being called by any set of pronouns; he'd only correct someone if it became a problem
Species: Human hybrid. Relative to his total genetic makeup, he is mostly human, but there are several different animals in there, too. Most of them are feline. (He is not a catboy, though 8I)
Languages: Japanese, German, Cantonese, Mandarin, English.
Height: 5'6"/5'7", thereabouts.
Weight: Just a hair on the light side.
Build: Lithe, flexible, very catlike, as much as that term can be applied to a human frame. He has the body of a contortionist.
Skin: Pale-ish, but not Caucasian
Insomnium - Monster MomNightmare Reference
Name: Monster Mom (AKA Momster). Her real name is so far unknown.
Location: Somewhere in the Mists near the Arrival Platform
Summoner: Milton Abernathy
Terminating conditions: Momster can be incapacitated by anyone other than Milton (provided they choose to fight her), but she'll keep getting back up until Milton deals with the crippling fear of his foster mother, of whom she is a manifestation.
Description: Momster is exactly the way that Milton remembers her from his childhood; towering, terrifying, and violent. Oh, and also dead, because that's the last condition he saw her in. She appears as the rotting corpse of a woman, with blackened flesh and stinking hair. Insects and other, unnamed things creep in and out of her empty eye sockets and out of her mouth, which speaks without moving in a raspy, choking voice. Her teeth are made of jagged shards of
You're Not A PoetYou’re not a poet because of strung words
Together on row upon row again
Of blank verse or perhaps liberal rhyme.
‘Slam’ all you want, other poets wonder;
Your ignorance of couplets a blunder?
Yes! I speak harshly, but it’s no gross crime,
To point with honesty failed verse of thine.
No real poet discards upper case words;
Lets prose crawl on paper like listless worms.
You seek to free verse of those stern letters,
Sever away bleak capital fetters,
But it doesn’t sing of great speech sublime,
Rather, it sneaks of writing in spare time.
Wait! before you throw me in the icy Rhine;
It’s hard to put verse together in rhyme,
To make our dull words sound great all the time,
Hear them ring out loud, like a clear clock’s chime,
Heralding a poet’s summer prime.
Yet the sacred muses weep at your crime;
Your pentameter mangled thick like slime,
The subject not gilded in raiment fine;
Your bold ink font, crystal waters divine
Tastes bitter to the ton
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Lilyas has dedicated herself to making our community a brighter place with her vibrant artwork and infectious enthusiasm for interacting with others in our community. It has certainly paid off, as many deviants flock to her page on a daily basis to let her know how much of an inspiration she is. We absolutely agree, and couldn't let all that hard work go without recognition, so it's with great pride that we bestow the Deviousness Award for March 2014, to ... Read More